Motivation

Some days my kids are harder to motivate than others. Some days things go smoothly and perfectly – the kids do some learning activities, they are very helpful with all the chores, etc. But many days are not so perfect and organized and my plans for the day are at odds for their plans. On those days everything becomes a battle and I struggle with motivating my kids to stay on task, whether that be picking up their toys, or doing our school activities.

So how should I motivate my children to work with me instead of fight against me? Well, there's the bribe and reward idea. The bribing (“if you do your reading with me, I'll let you go play with your friends” or “if you pick up your toys, I'll give you some candy”) seems to work for the short run, but then the kids think that every chore completed deserves a treat or privilege. Hmmm. This is not exactly what I had in mind.

Okay, let's try threatening and yelling or punishment. That'll do it. “If you don't clean up this room right now, you can't play outside the rest of the day!” (Wait, that's punishing me more than them!) Well, that might motivate them, but if it doesn't, we are still stuck with a messy room and children who aren't allowed to go outside to play. Hmmm. Still not quite the motivation I was looking for.

Reason and expectations has actually seemed to work best. When I establish a good routine and tell the children the plans for the day ahead of time, the kids are less likely to fight me on chores or schoolwork or whatever. Set the routine that we will do two school activities everyday, no whining about it. That's just what we do. Chores are a must. There is an expectation that things must be completed before moving on to other activities, that everyone in the family contributes (although not equally, since my older girls will complain, “but the baby's not helping!”).

I build in natural rewards/consequences, which may almost be in the bribe category, but it is conveyed in a much different tone. For example, when talking about our plans for the day over breakfast, “After breakfast, we will clear the table, do our Bible lesson and math lesson. Then, we will start the laundry and do a few things in the kitchen to get ready for supper tonight. If we get all that done in time, then we can have a picnic snack on the porch.” There is a reward, but its conditional on getting all the essentials done first. And the reward is not a treat bribe so much as a natural part of our day, to which they will not get to take part in if we run out of time. This is a natural consequence rather than them bargaining with me for a bribe. Same goes for the afternoon routine – we don't go play with the neighbor kids until we have had a rest time and the house is picked up (although, we fudge on this a little by letting the neighbor kids come over sometimes and help us pick up!). And if the kids do work extra hard, I don't mind rewarding the hard work with some sort of extra treat.

I also reason with my daughter about natural consequences.* If she is complaining about doing her chores or about having to do her reading lesson, I talk to her about being a big girl. If she wants me to treat her as a big girl, then she has to do big girl things like helping me in the kitchen or doing her reading lesson. If she wants to get to big girl things, like riding her bike or playing with her friends, or staying up later than her sisters, then she has to complete her tasks. With privileges come responsibility. I think even a four year old can understand that a little bit.

So, I kind of know what works with my kids, but the daily enforcing is a much more difficult. The weather is so nice, so we go outside before all our tasks are done, and then the kids whine about having to do them later. They have their stubborn days and I have my days of less patience. Some days none of us are motivated to get anything done, but then there are days when we enjoy learning together and enjoy serving around the house together. We have those opportunities to teach our children to work at everything they do with their whole hearts, as working to the Lord (Colossians 3:23).

* By the way, I'm a fan of Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind without Losing Yours. He talks quite a bit about natural consequences.